Loosing it.

Ok so after waiting at DIA for 5 hours because of a broken plane part I was switched to a United flight to La Guardia.  I of course made sure that my baggage was sure to follow....it did not.  That's ok.  But after 24 hours and still not getting my pack I totally lost it.  Ironically everytime I called the United bag track number I was routed to a call center in...you guessed it! INDIA.  Sweet people.  Doing the best they can with only the information on their computer screens staring then in the face.  After I called Inida 12 times I broke down.  I realized that it was just stuff and my big-o ego was hurting becuase of it.  So then I started to beat myself up over not puting my yoga into practice in the situation.  As the tears siezed, my breath returned to somewhat normal and the color returned to my face the truth came out, I was/am scared.  Yoga school was hard work the last time I went.  And here I am going back to do it again with more intensity.  The idea of struggling the way I did in Mexico is unsettling.  Learning to sit in meditation for hours a day for a month is a daunting task indeed.  The way it works is that once the body begins to relax the mind starts to whirl.  Eventually the mind will slow and the relaxed body will all of the sudden begin to have somatic relase.  This is where trauma, big or small, whether you're aware of it or not releases from the body.  Most of the time these are sensations that are stored cellularly.  So all of the sudden you become overwhelmed with fear, addness, ager, whaterever.  It is seriously not cool.  So then if you want to grow you must then sit with the demons and feel them all out.  FUN FUN FUN.  So I guess I'm a little scared of the process. Who wouldn't be? Right?

The bag finally came on Monday.  Finally I started to relax a bit.
 Briee arrived yesterday and we repacked our packs and headed out for some Cuban cusine.  Que Rico!  Then we braved the cold rain and took some beautiful pictures of Time Square.  We are leaving today at 3PM to get the the airport 2 hours before out 7PM flight.  It only a 19 hour flight.  Not too bad.  UHG. yeah right!  But the adventure begins!  The bag has already been lost once so it wont happen again!  (fingers crossed) 

Letting Go.

I can't believe that I'm leaving in two days!  It seems like a dream.  I am so excited and yet at the same time I'm sad to leave my best friend and lover behind.  It will be so very hard to be away from him for so long.  But I know that this is a trip that I have to do alone and I'm convinced that all is exactly as it should be.

I'm looking forward to slowing down a bit and focusing on my yoga and meditation.  I hate to admit this...but I have not had a regular yoga practice, um, at all really.  Yeah I know, its terrible.  Its hard to believe that I'm going to do my advanced training and I don't even feel advanced at the practice. Ah well.  It is what it is.  And I'll be fine.  I'm my own worst critic, as we all are I suppose.  I'm want to fall in love with yoga.  Not that I don't love it now.  But I want to feel crazy passionate about it.  About anything really.  I feel like I get excited about something, learn about it, study it, and then get bored with it and turn my attention towards other things.  And then I wonder why I haven't gotten far on any sort of career path.  I hope that this trip changes that.  I am hoping for clarity.  A better sense of self. A new found peace in my heart.  A quieter mind and softer heart and above all a kinder, gentler inner voice.


Its time to forgive myself for becoming an addict. To let go of all the guilt I carry in my heart.  I need to forgive myself for not being the best 1st born daughter I could've been.  For not being a better big sister.  For not being there for my real friends when they needed me the most.  For throwing true love away, disregarding his feelings just because the drug had its hold on me.  I need to forgive myself for becoming a party-girl, drunk as a skunk, and sometimes psycho alcoholic.  I'm better than those choices I made.  And although I get that it was the path that I chose and all that hoohaa made me who I am today, it still weighs my spirit down.

So here it is, my chance to let it all go.  To free myself of my past and turn my gaze permanently to the future.  To sever the chains that keep me bound to this guilt.  There is no need for that to be my story anymore!  I'm going to write a new one!  This is the Awakening of Shaharazad.  Where the new version of me comes alive.  Join me on my trip to the ancient spiritual vein of this world, India.  Please leave me comments, questions, ideas whatever!  Catch y'all on the flip side!
Happy Trails,
~Shahrazad xo